Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconarthisa: More from Arthisa


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
January 20, 2013
File Size
1.2 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
188 (1 today)
Favourites
3 (who?)
Comments
10
Downloads
2
×
She says the truth is easier,
With her wild curls and her voice mild,
And you can almost believe her
When she opens her eyes so wide.
The distance is in her hands pressed
Tight and steady in candid prayer,
The echoed tightness of your chest.
She says: the truth is easier.

She says the truth is easier,
With her wild curls pulled to the side.
All you hear and see is color:
Blood nails and lips that cannot hide
On her skin, nor on yours – protest
Dies in your throat and you shiver.
Sometimes, when it is silently professed,
She says, the truth is easier.

She says the truth is easier,
With her wild curls rough and untied.
You swallow her broken whisper
And wonder which one of you lied
Which one knew first, which one confessed
And whether these questions matter.
Love, you and her lain here undressed,
She says the truth, is easier.

'Til we are laid in earth to rest,
She says. The truth is easier
Now that she is your truth. With zest,
She says, the truth is easier.
Fixed forms T_T
This is an "envelope ballad". I think the form is pretty obvious. It's a very fun concept since I like forms with repeated lines, but it's hard to stick to!

The starting point was actually *Shacchan's prompt: "After all, hiding is easier". There was going to be stuff about hiding (in fact the returning line started off as "You know hiding is easier") but... I guess it just didn't make it in? ^^; Blame my currently optimistic disposition, or the fact that my roommates are currently so stressed and in some cases depressed that if I start being cynical I feel like something bad will happen......

I went back to fixed forms because they're fun to play with, but also to try this challenge/contest: [link]
Finally wrote the open verse version of this:
what her hands tell youShe says
                             You kneel
                             next to her.
                             Her hands
                             clasped in prayer
truth is easier,
                             Her wild curls
                             her voice so mild.
                             Distance
                             is the name of your heartache.
but she lies.

Hands reach out in silence.

Add a Comment:
 
:iconsilenced-echo:
Oh I so agree with *Shacchan! It's a lovely piece!

What I like best is that the fixed form constraint almost doesn't show at all, except for the *rejet* for the sake of the rhyme "The distance is in her hands pressed/Tight and steady in candid prayer". I think this makes the sentence structure sound more French than English...

I love the delicate balance between repetition and variation! :) Apart from the immediately visible parts, there is for instance "With her wild curls and her voice mild" where you resisted the temptation of internal rhyme, which would have thrown off the equilibrium with the end rhyme "wide".

The progression in meaning is also well paved, cumulating with "Now that she is your truth", which makes more sense when we take into account the previous stanzas. I like how you made the other character only half present and almost passive : it can have the very optimistic reading you mentioned, silent adoration, but also a darker interpretation. If she is easier, then could it be cowardice that keeps the protagonist from uttering a word? She speaks a lot, and insisting on a same declaration "the truth is easier" seems to try to convince her lover and herself as well. If she speaks enough or louder than their protests, will it become true?

Truly poetic in that sense :) Keep writing 'thisa !!!!!!!! :D
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconathazagoraphobias:
Athazagoraphobias Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I greatly enjoyed this.

The truth can hurt, but it's always easier than the lies.
Reply
:iconarthisa:
Arthisa Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! :love:

On the long term, yes, I believe truth is easier. But it's also scarier...
Reply
:iconathazagoraphobias:
Athazagoraphobias Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That's a big part of the reason why people lie though, isn't it? :P
Reply
:iconarthisa:
Arthisa Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Yep...
Reply
:iconelyudie:
Elyudie Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2013
Love it !! Agree with everything sis and Tiefug said.
Can't wait to see you ! Tell me when you get in Paris !
Reply
:iconarthisa:
Arthisa Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! I get to Paris tomorrow morning!
Reply
:icontiefug:
Tiefug Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013
That was great ^^ I especially liked all the "rejet", like:

Blood nails and lips that cannot hide
On her skin, nor on yours – protest
Dies in your throat and you shiver.

It's almost as if you're saying "lips that cannot [...] hide protest" but then we see that it links with the next line...

Also, good job with the punctuation! ^^ It's neat how it adds variation to the same words.
Reply
:iconarthisa:
Arthisa Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I think I got to that point and I was like: "...Not enough enjambment in this piece!" and this is how it happened... lol. It could be also an imperative (I think that's how I saw it) from the persona to the guy: "Protest!"...

I'm glad you liked it! =)
Reply
:iconshacchan:
Shacchan Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
:iconinloveplz:
Reply
:iconarthisa:
Arthisa Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!! ^^
Reply
Add a Comment: